Uhh, Stupid Zombie Monday
Jun. 13th, 2005 08:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teleribSo I could barely sleep from the heat last night (zombie), forgot my work badge (stupid), and it's Monday (Monday). Uhhh....
So Moe and I did the Engaged Encounter thing. It's a Catholic pre-martial counseling weekend. I was worried that it would be one big Catholic guilt trip about birth control and pre-marital sex, maybe with some stuff about communication and shared values thrown in. I'd spoken to my former college roomie, who'd also done it at her fiance's insistence, and she said it was OK. But still. Guilt is what Mother Church's children come to expect from her.
What we had was two married couples telling us stories about their lives together, the good and bad parts. There was a priest, and he chimed in with general spiritual thoughts from time to time. ("Chimed in" isn't quite right, since these talks were all written in advance to keep the lecturers from tangenting off into oblivion.) There would be a session like "Deciding to Love," where the presenting couples would talk about those times they were angry or sad or upset or distracted or otherwise not feeling loving toward their spouse and how that impacted them; then what happened when they decided to act in a loving fashion despite their feelings. Then we'd split up - half of each couple stayed in the working room and the other would go back to the "dialogue room" - the hotel suite that one of us was staying in. The workbook had some questions to think about and write about on the topic, and we'd write for 15-20 minutes. (I can't remember the exact questions for that session, but it would've been something like "When have I decided to love you in the past? What was the result? What can I do to 'decide to love' in the future?") Then the one who stayed behind left to join the other in the dialogue room and we'd read each other what we wrote and discuss it.
There were no bombshells, although there was a surprise or two. We both identified (on our own! not by accusing each other) the habits that most hurt the other and that we need to get a grip on, because we love each other and don't want to be hurtful. We learned some new techniques for communication and, one of our surprises, learned that there were a couple of subjects that we don't actually talk to each other about in any deep or meaningful way. We've decided to address that.
They did put out the idea of "Natural Family Planning" (which I thought was the rhythm method, or what one of our presenting couples called "Vatican roulette," but is actually the same techniques many couples who want to get pregnant use to identify the woman's fertile period. Once you've identified it, you can obviously exploit it or avoid it). But they spoke positively about it and encouraged us to educate ourselves about it and... that was it. No lecture on how other methods are Evil and Against God and Damning You to Hell. They really did avoid making their audience defensive. They just presented the Church ideas as Good and Life-Affirming and Something You Might Consider. They asked those in the audience who were already sexually active to consider secondary chastity and emphasized the benefits they saw in it - but stopped short of condemning anyone who didn't leap onto the abstinence bandwagon.
They also made a great effort to be as ecumenical as possible. Most of the talk was about the couples' love for each other. God did come up a lot, but mostly as "God," a pretty generic name for the Divine that people of many faiths could identify with. (They said about half their couples these days were interfaith.) Jesus got invoked a fair bit, too, of course, but much less often than I might have expected.
So it was overall a very positive weekend and, although we initially only went because it was a precondition to getting married in the Church, are now very glad that we did.
So Moe and I did the Engaged Encounter thing. It's a Catholic pre-martial counseling weekend. I was worried that it would be one big Catholic guilt trip about birth control and pre-marital sex, maybe with some stuff about communication and shared values thrown in. I'd spoken to my former college roomie, who'd also done it at her fiance's insistence, and she said it was OK. But still. Guilt is what Mother Church's children come to expect from her.
What we had was two married couples telling us stories about their lives together, the good and bad parts. There was a priest, and he chimed in with general spiritual thoughts from time to time. ("Chimed in" isn't quite right, since these talks were all written in advance to keep the lecturers from tangenting off into oblivion.) There would be a session like "Deciding to Love," where the presenting couples would talk about those times they were angry or sad or upset or distracted or otherwise not feeling loving toward their spouse and how that impacted them; then what happened when they decided to act in a loving fashion despite their feelings. Then we'd split up - half of each couple stayed in the working room and the other would go back to the "dialogue room" - the hotel suite that one of us was staying in. The workbook had some questions to think about and write about on the topic, and we'd write for 15-20 minutes. (I can't remember the exact questions for that session, but it would've been something like "When have I decided to love you in the past? What was the result? What can I do to 'decide to love' in the future?") Then the one who stayed behind left to join the other in the dialogue room and we'd read each other what we wrote and discuss it.
There were no bombshells, although there was a surprise or two. We both identified (on our own! not by accusing each other) the habits that most hurt the other and that we need to get a grip on, because we love each other and don't want to be hurtful. We learned some new techniques for communication and, one of our surprises, learned that there were a couple of subjects that we don't actually talk to each other about in any deep or meaningful way. We've decided to address that.
They did put out the idea of "Natural Family Planning" (which I thought was the rhythm method, or what one of our presenting couples called "Vatican roulette," but is actually the same techniques many couples who want to get pregnant use to identify the woman's fertile period. Once you've identified it, you can obviously exploit it or avoid it). But they spoke positively about it and encouraged us to educate ourselves about it and... that was it. No lecture on how other methods are Evil and Against God and Damning You to Hell. They really did avoid making their audience defensive. They just presented the Church ideas as Good and Life-Affirming and Something You Might Consider. They asked those in the audience who were already sexually active to consider secondary chastity and emphasized the benefits they saw in it - but stopped short of condemning anyone who didn't leap onto the abstinence bandwagon.
They also made a great effort to be as ecumenical as possible. Most of the talk was about the couples' love for each other. God did come up a lot, but mostly as "God," a pretty generic name for the Divine that people of many faiths could identify with. (They said about half their couples these days were interfaith.) Jesus got invoked a fair bit, too, of course, but much less often than I might have expected.
So it was overall a very positive weekend and, although we initially only went because it was a precondition to getting married in the Church, are now very glad that we did.
